[60] Return to Sender

Why oh why do people insist on forwarding so-called chain-letter emails to all their email contacts? Do they really expect me – and I speak only for myself – to believe that if I take the trouble to “send this to 6/10/20 (delete as appropriate) email contacts/friends” I will receive “wonderful news within 6 hours”; or if I do NOT send it on, I will be struck by lightning at exactly 2:47 tomorrow afternoon?

These emails are invariably, by their very nature, forwarded to me by friends and acquaintances and even relatives. Do they really know me so little that they actually expect me to fall for their pathetic threats and promises of what horrible fate will befall me should I break the chain; or what piece of great fortune I will encounter should I contribute to this on-going madness?

In fact, do the people who have included me as one of their chosen contacts actually believe in this insanity? Obviously they must do, or why on earth would they keep it going? I begin to question my own lifestyle that I have such people as friends and acquaintances, although I remind myself of the oft-heard adage, “You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your relatives” as I excuse myself on that score at least.

Someone, somewhere – some very sad individual – has to start each one of these irritating pieces of invasive junk. What sort of cretin has the time and, more worryingly, the inclination to set in motion a puerile pyramid of exponentially nauseating garbage?

I once received one which originated from a woman who claimed to be a bona fide Angel. Yes, a real Angel with wings and a magic wand. Down the cyber-chain she assured me that if I passed her message on to 6 contacts, I would receive news of a financial windfall that very evening. The email also included a series of glowing testimonials from people further up the chain, telling of how they had indeed received news of a windfall only hours after passing on the message. In Glasgow there is a great saying that is just perfect for such situations: “Aye right!”

I received another only a few days ago which was the catalyst for my writing this article. It was nothing more than a cloying, monotonous and protracted homily to “our brave boys in Iraq”. The instigator had actually, with breathtaking arrogance, added the comment, “I don’t want to hear of anyone refusing to pass this on”. It will be no surprise to anyone who really does know me and is familiar with my views on the illegal war in Iraq, that I consigned this piece of jingoistic trash to the cyber dustbin, but not before I sent the instigator an email with pictures of burning Iraqi babies and invited her to start a new chain. I even told her that if she breaks the chain, she will be run over by a steamroller within two hours.

I expect it to reach my inbox within two weeks.