Books, Poetry & Prose: [5] Deep-Fried Madness



Books, Poetry & Prose

Samples of my very own Poetry and Short Stories, and one or two not so short stories, as well as my thoughts on Books, Writing, Life and the Universe.

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Location: Gold Coast, Australia

I was born in Motherwell, an industrial town in Scotland. I have lived in various parts of the world, including Edinburgh, London, New York, Seattle and now Australia's Gold Coast Hinterland where I have settled with my Australian wife Kerrianne. If you are into Books, Literature and Writing, welcome to my weblog. If not, welcome anyway.

  • [72]The Politics of Ignorance and Fear
  • [71]What Celtic Means To Me
  • [70]Aussie Cave Man
  • [69]No Shit
  • [68]Smoking Damages Your Brain
  • [67]Whatever Happened To Private Grief?
  • [66]A Lucrative Enterprise?
  • [65]To A Fart
  • [64]Scotland's Shame
  • [63]Bank Aid
  • [62]It's A Girl Thing
  • [61]The Kids Are Alright
  • [60]Return to Sender
  • [59]Gender Poetry
  • [58]Humour for Wordsmiths
  • [57]The Gold Coast
  • [56]A Glasgow Dynasty : Part 6 - Erchie's First Sale
  • [55]I Haven't Lived
  • [54]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 5 - Slappin' a Polis
  • [53]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 4 - Pissin' up a Close
  • [52]The God Delusion
  • [51]Maternal Advice
  • [50]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 3 - Broken Biscuits
  • [49]A Killing Kindness
  • [48]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 2 - Pissin' in the Sink
  • [47]A Glasgow Dynasty: Part 1 - The Man Fae The TV Licence
  • [46]A Slap on the Face
  • [45]How Did We Survive?
  • [44]The Black Hole
  • [43]Buried Alive
  • [42]The World Cup
  • [41]In the Movies...
  • [40]My Favourite Writers: James Kelman
  • [39]Vital Football
  • [38]My Favourite Beer
  • [37]The Dream
  • [36]Comb For Sale
  • [35]McNulty's Law
  • [34]Beware of the Dog
  • [33]The Substitute: An Extract from my Novel
  • [32]Books That Became Films
  • [31]Tall Boys and Wide Girls
  • [30]My First Novel: The Substitute
  • [29]My Favourite Writers: Louis de Bernières
  • [28]My 25 Favourite Films
  • [27]Decisions Decisions
  • [26]Devil's Desire
  • [25]Pain or Pleasure
  • [24]Out of the Mouths of Babes and Sucklings
  • [23]No More Tears
  • [22]Dame Muriel Spark 1918-2006
  • [21]10 Things I Miss About Scotland
  • [20]Little Red Riding Hood
  • [19]Natural Bridge
  • [18]Journey to Nowhere
  • [17]Westminster Man
  • [16]My 25 Favourite Albums
  • [15]Bless Me Father
  • [14]Overdrawn
  • [13]I've had it with Born-Again Christians
  • [12]Moonwalking
  • [11]My 25 Favourite Books
  • [10]Heroes and Sinners
  • [09]Thinking of Kerry
  • [08]An American Dream
  • [07]Never Again
  • [06]Under A Bridge
  • [05]Deep-Fried Madness
  • [04]Man in a Bookshop
  • [03]Was There A Time?
  • [02]The Executioner
  • [01]Will I Know Her?
  • Click Cover The Substitute to view my book

    Moby Dick


    "Nobody is perfect, but if you strive for perfection, you will never descend to mediocrity."


    Kerrianne



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    The Schoolboy
    Our Lady's High School, Motherwell 1966

    Fyodor Dostoevsky
    Fyodor Dostoyevsky

    [5] Deep-Fried Madness

    On a recent shopping trip to Brisbane with Kerrianne, we bought an atlas for her daughter. On the train home, I passed the time by reading the atlas. Each country had a narrative describing its culture, people and customs, as well as the occasional quaint fact. I read the quaint fact about Scotland and nearly fell out of my seat.

    "Scotland has the worst diet of any developed country in the western world, and the highest incidence of heart disease," it said.

    One delicacy is the deep-fried chocolate bar, covered in a protective layer of batter, and favoured by the nation's school children."

    "Who writes this garbage?" I groaned.

    Kerrianne grabbed the volume, eager to read the text which had so upset me.

    "Yes I remember that on television," she said.

    I sat in silence and allowed my outrage to subside. I recalled the TV reports on both Scotland Today and Reporting Scotland, when reporters visited Scottish towns to cover the phenomenon of the "deep-fried Mars bar".

    The chip shop owner was interviewed in a humorous vein. School pupils were filmed on their lunch break as they devoured their favourite snack and announced that it tasted "pure dead brilliant".

    The reporter performed the obligatory tasting. "Mmmm," he gushed. "It's not bad. Not bad at all."

    "This report you saw on TV," I asked my wife. "Was it filmed from Scotland?"

    "Sure," she said. "They were inside a food shop talking to the owner and some school kids."

    Why, oh why, does the Scottish media feel compelled to report these types of stories with such a light-hearted and 'wha's like us' slant? Is it any wonder that Scotland has such an appalling worldwide reputation for poor health and diet when, instead of condemning such harmful fare being offered up to our children, our television companies treat it as a "fun item" to be broadcast at the end of the programme.

    When Celtic's Japanese star Shunsuke Nakamura arrived in Scotland and was being interviewed by a posse of reporters, one hack asked, amid much merriment from his fellow scribes, "Have you sampled a deep-fried Mars bar yet?"

    Some may think I should chill out and see the lighter side, but when you read this sort of stuff about your own country from the other side of the world, it just ain't funny.

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