[23] No More Tears

It is now time to venture forth, time to explore the world, or whatever is left for me to explore. I’ve been holed up in this stinking bunker for twenty-five days. Or is it twenty-six? I can’t take any more. I’ve just got to escape. I take one last look at my dead brother. Roger’s body has deteriorated badly. I’ve become immune to the stench of death but the eerie smile on his face still haunts me as I climb the creaking steps to a new life. But what sort of life? I pause for a moment. I begin to recall how it all came about. The political crisis worsening day by day. Something stops me from leaving. I sit down on the top step and light another cigarette. I read the Government health warning: Smoking can damage your health.

It all seems so long ago, like decades back into the annals of history. It’s as though I’m remembering an old school text book instead of recent events. I can still remember the feeling of deep despair as I watched the cruise missiles pollute the picture of a beautiful countryside. First one, then another, and another, on and on, all heading east. To where? I’ve forgotten now. Does it really matter? Not to me now or poor Roger. It’s all over now. Millions of years of evolution wiped out at the push of a button. I cannot cry any more. I have no tears left.

All this time in the bunker I have thought of nothing else but survival. Now it is time to go and I begin to think for the first time of the reasons. Why did it happen? Surely we could have avoided all this. I wish I could cry. It would be such a release. Have I been hardened by the holocaust? I used to think crying was silly. Not the manly thing to do. I want to scream but my soul refuses. No-one will hear me anyway. I look at Roger again. Still he smiles. You lucky bastard. What have you got to smile about?

It never occurred to me before, but climbing out of this hell hole will be just like being born again. I’ll crawl out into a strange new world, not knowing what to expect. Mother earth? I’ll have to learn all over again. Survival starts here. But what if I meet people? Should I be wary? Maybe I’ll need a weapon. Even now I can’t get rid of my animal instincts. Even after all this. Twenty-nine years old. Nursery, primary school, grammar school, university, now this. I haven’t done a bloody thing. I’m so scared. Why didn’t I wait for Susan? It would have been much easier if she had been here. I can’t stop worrying about her. Maybe she’s still alive. Maybe I can find her. Still I cannot cry. It’s bound to be dangerous up there. I remember The Day of the Triffids after the lights went out. The panic, the slaughter. It’s no use. I can’t go. I won’t make it. God help me.

A noise. I hear a noise, faintly In the distance. Like machinery. Some sort of generator? It bids me. Maybe they’ve started without me. I must investigate. It should be safe from fallout. Almost a month now. It had been a beautiful summer’s day. When the first warning sounded, I thought of Susan. But it was too late. I had to get underground. Roger and I built the shelter during the last Middle East crisis. When that passed off we thought we’d never need it again. I couldn’t find Roger. I searched everywhere. No-one could answer my questions. They were all too busy panicking and asking their own questions. I cried easily then. I got to the shelter just as the first bomb went off. I could feel the heat on my back.

My shirt was badly scorched and the skin on my back still ached. Roger came running into view just as I was about to close the hatch. I dragged him down these very steps. He was badly burned. For three days he screamed in agony before he stopped. I was helpless. That was the last time I cried.

I’ve run out of food. I’ve no choice now but to get out and find some. I don’t want to die down here. That would be futile. I owe it to Roger and I’ve got to try and find Susan. I’ll help to rebuild the world. We’ll be able to start from scratch. Then in another hundred years or so we can blow it all up again. What a joke. Why didn’t we listen to the Peace Women? I wonder if there are any women left. How else will we be able to recreate the species? I amaze myself that I can think of such absurdities at this time. I can’t believe my own stupidity.

I gather up all my strength and courage. I stamp out my cigarette and clamber to my feet. I test the lever with some effort. I release the catch. The hatch feels so heavy. I set my shoulder to work. Slowly it begins to relent. Brilliant white sunlight penetrates the bunker. I shield my eyes against the extreme bright light. A few moments later I give a final push. The hatch falls open with a thud. A grey dust falls down into the bunker. The whole area is covered in it. The land has been completely flattened. Not a tree in sight. I gather my strength and begin to climb out into the world.

I hear a click. It comes from behind me. I turn my head. A soldier stands ten yards from me. His face is sinister and unsmiling. The sun is behind him so I cannot identify his uniform. He seems to be wearing some kind of space suit. He points his rifle towards me. We stare at each other for some moments. I decide it’s time to make my acquaintance.

Hi there. My name is . . .

The bullet hits me in the chest. I fall back down into the bunker. The pain is excruciating. I tumble down and land on top of Roger, my face above his. Still he smiles at me. I manage to turn my head and look up at the soldier. He stands over the bunker and watches me with cold eyes. I am seconds from death. I force out the last words of my life.

Hello mother.

I cry easily. The tears roll down my cheeks. I can cry again.