[56] A Glasgow Dynasty : Part 6 - Erchie's First Sale

Malky lay spread-eagled on the couch. He wore a red Liverpool football top and a pair of shiny blue shell suit bottoms. On the floor beside him lay three empty cans of lager and an ashtray which was overflowing with cigarette ends and ash, some of which had spilled onto the thick shagpile.

In his left hand he held a magazine while his right hand was buried down the front of his shell suit bottoms, busily exercising his wrist with frantic downward motions. In his state of blissful concentration he failed to hear the entrance of his mother. Brenda grabbed the magazine and smacked him forcefully across the head with it.

“Ah ya!” cried Malky, using his arms to shield any further blows. “Whit the fuck . . .”

“Put that away ya filthy wee sod that ye are. We’ve got visitors.”

Brenda pushed the magazine under the sofa and stood back to welcome her guests.

“Come on in Jinty. In ye come Erchie.”

“Ma bliddy heid,” said Malky.

“Whit did ah tell you about wipin yer nose on ma new shagpile? Ah’ll deal wi you later ya dirty wee pervert ye,” she told Malky as he rushed past her, rubbing the pain on the side of his head.

The couple entered the brightly decorated living room and removed their coats.

“Aw Brenda yer livin room’s smashin,” said Jinty.

“Aye that’s right. Ah forgot ye’d no seen it since it was done.”

“Did Tam and the boys do it then?” asked Archie who had sat down on the couch beside his wife.

“Whit that lot? Ye must be jokin. Naw me and oor Peter done it ower wan weekend. Ye’ve met ma brother Peter haven’t ye. Och he’s great wi his hauns like ye know. He’s got him’n thon stuck up wife o his livin in a palace. Honestly Jinty ye should see it.”

“Where’s Tam the noo. Is he no in then?” said Jinty.

“He’s away doon the bookies,” said Malky who had returned with a couple of cans of lager.

“Fancy a wee swally Erchie?”

Archie hesitated as Jinty glared at him in silent reproach.

“If it’s all the same to you son, I’d better not.”

“Are ye still spendin aw yer time doon at the library?” said Malky.

“Not so much now since I started work again.”

“Ah see thon Salman Rushdie’s brought out a follow up tae Satanic Verses.”

“Really. I hadn’t heard. What’s it called?”

“Buddha’s a fat bastard”.

“By the way Malcolm,” said Brenda. “Who were thon two men ah met at the gate?”

“Two men?” replied Malky.

“Aye. The two men wi the overalls and the wee blue van.”

“Och them. Ah’ll tell ye later.”

He nodded in the direction of Jinty and Archie. Brenda got the message and quickly changed the subject.

“Awright Erchie. Let’s have a look at this vacuum cleaner then.”

Archie got to his feet and moved out into the hallway. In a few seconds he returned with a large cardboard box which he placed on the couch and began to open carefully.

“Aw ye’ll jist love this Brenda,” enthused Jinty. “Ah’ve got wan o ma ain. It’s a dawdle so it is.”

All three looked on intently as Archie patiently put the pieces together and placed the machine gently on to the floor. With a contented smile he held the flex and handed the plug to Brenda.

“If you would do the necessary Mrs Mitchell.”

Jinty took the plug and carefully pushed it into the socket behind the television.

“Ma. Ah better have a word wi ye,” said Malky.

“No the noo son. Can ye no see ah’m busy.”

Brenda stood facing Archie, the shiny new vacuum cleaner standing proudly between them.

“How do ah switch it on then?”

“First things first Mrs Mitchell.”

Archie checked her eagerness with the raise of a finger. He calmly bent down, picked up the ashtray and poured the contents all over the new carpet.

“Ma!”

“Haud yer weesht the noo wid ye?”

Next Archie moved across to the fireplace, picked up the shovel, swept up a pile of coal ash and soot and emptied it all over the floor beside the contents of the ashtray. Jinty’s heart raced as she watched in silent admiration. In her excitement she did not notice Malky quietly rise from his chair and move towards the door.

“Have no fear Mrs Mitchell. This brand new deluxe model will very quickly swallow up every last piece of dirt,” said Archie. “It is indeed a wonderful machine.”

“It bliddy well better be,” exclaimed Malky as he opened the door to leave. “Thon two men wi the overalls were fae the electricity board.”

Archie was now puzzled as to why the machine would not come to life when he switched it on.

“We’ve jist had our electricity cut aff,” declared Malky before he raced upstairs followed by his frantic mother.

“Why’n God’s name did ye no tell me?” she cried as she ran after him. “Malcolm! Come oot here tae ah speak tae ye.”