[44] The Black Hole

It was dark by the time Tam and Balf left the pub. They held each other upright as they meandered along the country road, singing a song about a prostitute from Maryhill. Only the light of a full moon stopped them from rolling into a ditch where, due to their state of inebriation, they would undoubtedly have spent the night, unable to recover a vertical position of any sort.

“Where’s that bliddy taxi?” said Tam, for the third time.

“Ach Tam ah telt ye,” said Balf. “Ye threw yer guts up in the taxi and the driver kicked us oot on the street. Can ye no remember?”

“Me sick? Are ye sure? Where are we?”

“Don’t you worry Tam. Ah know a shortcut hame fae here. C’mon, o'er this fence.”

Balf quickly grabbed the top wire of the fence and lifted his right leg over and fell down on to the soft grass on the other side. Tam followed his friend without protest. The fence consisted of three steel wires attached to wooden slats about ten feet apart. Somehow Tam managed to entangle himself in the wires and found himself suspended above the ground, swaying to and fro as he tried to maintain his balance. His cigarette caught one of the wires and flew from his mouth only to land inside his jacket.

“Ya bastart ye,” he cried as he let go of the wires and tried to retrieve the burning cigarette. Red embers flew in all directions as he finally landed with a thud on the other side. Balf had wandered off without him.

“There’s a big fuckin hole in ma shirt bay fuck,” he said as he caught up with his friend. “Whit are ye starin at?”

Balf had stopped walking and was scratching his head as he stared at the ground about ten yards in front of him.

“See that?” he said finally.

“Whit?” said Tam, straining his eyes in the general direction of Balf’s gaze.

“That wisnae there yesterday?”

“Whit wisnae?”

“Thon big fuckin hole,” he replied, moving forward slowly now as he surveyed the scene.

Tam followed his friend and soon he too saw the black circle. It was a hole in the ground, about four feet across.

“Fuck me Tam, some poor sod could easy have fell in there nae bother. It could’ve been wan o us come tae think of it. Who the fuck wid dig a hole an jist go away n leave it like that?”

“Aye right enough,” agreed Tam. “Any cunt could end up wi a broken neck or worse.”

“I wonder how deep it is,” said Balf as the two men stood about ten feet from the hole, neither having dared to move any closer.

“Fuck knows pal but ah’m no hangin aboot tae fun oot,” said Tam as he moved to walk round the hole. Balf grabbed him by the sleeve.

“Haud oan a wee minute there Tam. Let me try sumfin.”

Balf bent down and picked up a stone, about the size of a golf ball. He stepped forward a few paces and lobbed the stone into the black hole. The two men bent forward and listened intently. After a few seconds, Balf turned and scratched his head.

“Not a sausage.”

“Whit d’ye mean Balf?”

“Did ye hear that stane landing? Did ye hear a splash or a thud when it hit the ground?”

“Naw.”

“Naw, me neither. That’s wan fuckin deep hole.”

“Aye ok, nice experiment Balf. Now can we get the fuck oot o here?”

“Jist a wee minute Tam.”

Balf walked back towards the fence they had just climbed over and picked up a discarded fence post. It was five feet long and six inches thick. Pointed at one end and flat at the other. He carried it back towards the hole and dropped it into the darkness. Once again the two friends stood, leaning forward, their ears turned towards the hole as they awaited the thud or splash. After about thirty seconds of silence, Tam shook his head and stamped his right foot.

“Some bastard’s takin the pish here. Is someday hidin there wi a fuckin camera or whit?” he shouted towards the bushes which were about twenty yards on the other side of the hole.

“C’moan Balf ah’m fuckin starvin. Let’s get hame.”

“No fucking way wee man. Ah’m gonnae get tae the bottom of this.”

“Aye that’s whit ah’m afraid of,” said Tam.

Balf walked towards the bushes as Tam lit another cigarette and pulled down his zip, fumbled inside and proceeded to urinate into the hole. He stared up at the moon and exhaled smoke into the still air as he emptied his bladder in an impressive arc down into the black emptiness below.

“It’s a fuckin full moon as well fucksake. That’s aw we need.”

“Tam.”

Tam nearly jumped out of his skin as his friend’s booming voice broke the stillness of the night.

“Whit?” Tam replied in a hoarse whisper.

“Heeza haun wi this fucker.”

Tam did up his flies and walked towards the bushes where he found Balf lifting one end of a disused railway sleeper.

“Aw fucksake Balf, gonnae no dae that?”

“Shut up n grab that end wid ye?”

Tam took hold of the other end and together they managed to tip the heavy wooden railway sleeper down into the hole. This time they both stood, again bent in half, looking directly down into the hole. They both held their breath as they listened.

A rumble.

It was very faint at first, and Tam and Balf looked at each other as the sound seemed to be getting louder.

Footsteps. Running footsteps.

The two men stared at each other with wide eyes and mouths agape as their minds raced to understand the sound.

Racing footfalls, coming closer and closer.

Just in time they realised the sound was coming from behind them. They glanced round and screamed in unison as an animal leapt into the air at them. Balf leapt back one way and Tam the other as they watched the beast leap down into the black hole. The two men sat trembling as they listened to the animal scream in terror, the sound getting further and further away as the poor animal descended deeper and deeper into the abyss.

They did not stop running until they both collapsed on the steps of Tam’s close. They were covered in mud and grime and Balf had lost a shoe. After taking time to catch their breath, Tam was first to speak.

“Whit the fuck was that aw aboot?”

“Dunno Tam,” replied Balf between gasps for air. “It was a big fuckin goat. Did ye see it?”

“Sure ah fuckin saw it. It was a goat awright. Jumped right intae thon big fuckin hole. Whit did it dae that for ye reckon?”

“Who knows. Aw ah know is a wisnae hingin aboot tae fun oot. Smells tae me like some sort o black fuckin mass or something goin on doon there. Ah lost ma bliddy shoe anaw fucksake. Ah’ll need tae go back n find it.”

“Ye’re no goin back the night are ye?” said Tam, his voice registering alarm.

“Am I fuck. It’ll wait tae the morn. Nae way ah’m goin back there the night.”

Next morning, Balf woke up in bed beside Malky.

“Whitr you doin here?” said Malky as he rubbed his eyes to a new day.

“Ach me’n yer da got pished last night. Hope ye don’t mind sharin yer bed wi me son.”

“Naw nae bother Balfy boy. Any fags?”

Tam entered the room in his underpants.

“Geeza fag Balf.”

The three men lit up and savoured the first cigarette of the day as Tam sat on the end of the bed.

“Are ye goin back doon there tae get yer shoe?” he said.

“Aye ah better mate,” said Balf. “She’ll kill me if a go hame wi wan shoe.”

“Whit the fuck’ve you too been up tae?” said Malky.

“Never you mind,” said Tam.

“Ach me’n yer da fun this big whore ay a black hole in the middle ay the field on the way back fae the boozer last night. We were jist lookin at it when some cunt chased us an a lost ma shoe.”

“Whit d’ye mean a big hole?”

“He means a hole,” said Tam. “As in a big fuckin hole in the grun. Dae you know anything aboot it? You’re always hingin aboot doon there. Is that no where the tossin school is?”

“Ah’ve no been tae the tossin for a while. Anyway, whit de ye mean some’dy chased yous. Was it the polis?”

“Naw it wisnae the polis,” said Balf. “Let’s just say there’s mair tae aw this than meets the eye.”

Tam went back to his room to get dressed. Balf got out of bed and groaned when he saw the dried mud on his trousers.

“Have ye got an auld pair o trainers ah could borrow Malky?”

“Aye there’s a couple a pair in thon cupboard there Balf.”

Soon Tam returned, dressed and ready to go.

“So it’s straight doon tae the field, grab yer shoe and away again right?”

“Too fucking right,” said Balf as he strained to tie the laces on the training shoes. “No way am I hingin aboot there again.”

“Where’s yer maw Malky?” said Tam.

“She stayed at oor Peter’s last night. She said she’ll be back first thing so ye better get yer arse in gear.”

“Don’t you say fuck all right?”

Malky ignored his father and turned towards the wall and pulled the blanket up over his ears.

“Can ye remember where the hole is Balf?” said Tam.

“Aye ah think so. Should’nae be too hard tae find.”

“Ah’m no sure ah could on ma ain.”

“Ach don’t worry. We’ll find it. Let’s go.”

It wasn’t at all easy to find the mysterious black hole. They wandered into three different fields before finding the correct one. They could see the fence at the far end of the field and the row of bushes where they found the railway sleeper.

“This is it Tam,” said Balf. “Let’s just nip ow’er there n grab the shoe n get tae fuck.”

“Suits me pal.”

“Where are you two going?”

“Aw fucksake,” cried Tam as he turned round to face two uniformed police officers sitting in a police patrol car on a dirt track which ran along the side of the field.

“Ye made me jump there officer,” said Tam.

The two policemen got out of the car and approached the two friends. One was big and fat with a little moustaache, the other short and thin and sickly pale. Tam instantly thought of Laurel and Hardy.

“I’ll ask you again. Where are you going?” said Laurel.

“We’re jist takin a wee shortcut tae the pub,” said Balf, forcing a smile.

“Which pub would that be then?” asked Hardy.

“The Bay Horse,” said Tam.

“At eight o’clock in the morning?”

“Aye, we’re meetin a couple a mates there, then a bit ay scran, study the gee gees, pit a bet on, then intae the pub fur openin time.”

“No this way you’re not,” said Laurel.

“How no?” said Balf.

“Cos it’s private property,” said Hardy.

“Oh right,” said Balf. “Didnae realise that. Thanks for lettin us know. We’ll jist be on oor way then.”

The two men made to walk back towards the fence and the roadway.

“Not so fast,” said Laurel, stopping them in their tracks.

The two policemen manoeuvred themselves so that they stood between them and the road.

“You often use this as a shortcut then?”

“Naw, naw,” said Balf. “It’s jist. It’s a nice enough morning like, an we fancied a wee walk rather than takin the bus. Fresh country air n that know?”

“Aye,” said Laurel, eyeing them suspiciously.

“Did yous take a shortcut back from the pub last night?” said Hardy.

“Last night? Naw no last night. We were at the pub right enough but we got a taxi hame. We widnae come this way in the dark wid we Tam?”

“Naw, no way,” said Tam. “Bad enough staggerin hame in the street lights withoot wanderin aboot here in the dark.”

“So what way have you come then? Just now I mean?” said Hardy, his tone now more relaxed and friendly.

“We jist walked fae the scheme and alang past the graveyard and doon West Farm Road an into the field. Why whit’s up?”

“You sure you weren’t around this way last night?”

“Positive.”

“And neither of you have seen anything suspicious this morning?”

“Naw,” said Balf. “Whit dae ye mean suspicious?”

“Ach, old farmer Milligan’s doin his head in. You haven’t seen a goat running around wild have you?”

“A goat?” said Balf.

“A goat?” said Tam.

“Aye. Apparently it’s some sort of prize goat worth a few thousand quid and the old farmer’s in the lodge and we’ve had the chief constable on our backs this morning. Seems his prize goat’s done a runner.”

“Well fancy that,” said Balf.

“Ye widnae credit it wid ye?” said Tam.

“Aye well. If you do see the beast in your travels, give us the nod then will you?”

“Aye. Aye of course officer,” said Tam as the two policemen walked back to their car.

“Excuse me officer,” said Balf.

“Aw fucksake Balf fuckin leave it,” groaned Tam.

The two policeman stopped and faced Balf.

“This goat that’s escaped. Where exactly did the auld farmer leave it?”

“In that field over by the bushes,” said Laurel, pointing. “Seems he left it tied securely to a big heavy wooden railway sleeper.”

Brenda arrived home from a night spent with her eldest son and daughter-in-law. She found Tam’s muddy clothes lying on the floor beside her bed.

“The clatty get,” she said, picking up the clothes and tossing them into a laundry basket in the corner beside the door. “How the hell did he get intae this state?”

She marched into Malky’s room.

“Haw Malcolm. Has your father been here this morning? And don’t you lie to me cos ah’ll fun oot.”

“Aye he came hame last night wi Balfy.”

“And where are they at this time in the morning?”

“Away lookin for their hole.”

Brenda leapt on to the bed and slapped Malky across the bare flesh of his back.

“Don’t you dare use that talk in this house ya wee bugger ye.”

Malky winced as he felt the sharp pain after a few seconds.

“I’ll deal wi you later,” she said, before slamming the door behind her.

“Whit did ah say?” he shouted after her. “Whit the fuck was that for?”