[4] Man in a Bookshop

A well-groomed gentleman walked into a bookshop and approached the counter, where he was welcomed by a smiling old lady.

“Can I help you sir?”

“Yes ma’am,” he replied in a loud, clear and distinguished voice. “I’d like to order some books as I am going away on an extended business trip. Please make a list and I will be happy to pay now and call back at your convenience to collect my order.”

The old lady arranged a piece of foolscap in front of her and stood poised with a stylish fountain pen.

“I’d be delighted young man,” she said with a beaming smile.

“Firstly,” he began. “I’d like a copy of Nobakov’s ‘Lolita’ followed by DH Lawrence’s ‘Lady Chatterley’s Lover’.”

The old lady scribbled furiously.

“Let me think…hmmm. ’The Kama Sutra’. Yes…hmmm, and ‘Intermediate Sex 1912’ by Edward Carpenter.”

A queue was now forming behind the man.

“What was the other one? ‘Simulating Sex’,” he said in a raised voice and snapping his fingers as though it had come to him in a flash of inspiration. “I believe it was written by Steve Bachmann.”

The old lady continued to add to the list without comment.

“I’d also like to order ‘Love, Sex and Marriage: A Historical Thesaurus’ by one Julie Coleman, and then there’s ‘Impersonal Sex in Public Places’. Now that was written by Laud Humphreys.”

The old lady scribbled in silence. When she had finished, she looked up at the man inquisitively.

“Will that be all sir?”

“Er…well, yes, erm…I…well,” he stammered, looking round sheepishly at the line of customers waiting patiently and attentively behind him.

His face now reddening, he leaned forward and the old lady moved her head forward as she instinctively offered him her ear.

“There is one more. It’s not for me you understand,” he whispered, before glancing round at the people behind him and smiling nervously. He turned back towards the old lady and cupped his hand between his mouth and her ear. “You wouldn’t have a copy of The Da Vinci Code would you?”