[26] Devil's Desire

Rita caught me totally by surprise. In all our twenty-seven years together I had seldom come across such an uncharacteristic display of benevolence. The taxi cab had stopped in the heart of Oxford Street where we were deposited in the midst of a throng of shoppers. I watched as crowds converged on busy pavements which made Argyle Street seem like a village market. People rushed from shop to store, all busily engaged in the incessant pursuit of spending money. I had resigned myself to an afternoon of trudging this jungle of bartering and greed. I watched as the beasts surveyed their prey with ravenous eyes, licking their lips at the colourful offerings laid bare before them.

I glanced towards the other side of the road where a tall street sign caught my eye. Soho. The name immediately conjured up all sorts of images in my mind. I pictured an assortment of beautiful girls, all eager to pander to my every whim. Shops and cinemas which promised all kinds of inducements aimed at the healthy, red-blooded male. And there I was. My first and last time in London and I stood within the shadow of that monument to manhood. Yet it might as well have been a million miles away as far as I was concerned.

“Get a move on Sandy. And stop day dreaming. We’ll never get another chance to see these famous shops so lets make the most of it.”

“Yes dear.”

I could not help sounding less than enthusiastic as I rushed to catch up with her. There hardly seemed to be any justice left in the world. After all, who was it who won the competition in the first place? Who filled in the entry form, bought the stamp and posted the envelope? A weekend for two in London. I wanted to take my pal Tony along with me. I don’t recall anything in the rules which said that I had to take my missus at all. The way she was foaming at the mouth at the sight of all those shops and department stores, I had a feeling that the prize was going to turn into a penalty. We had already spent her share of the two hundred pounds spending money which went with the plane tickets and the luxury West End hotel.

“Wid ye just look aw all these shops Sandy,” she could scarcely contain her excitement. “I just don’t know where to start.”

“Howz aboot the nearest boozer?” I ventured to dampen her enthusiasm.

“Is it no excitin? Look at aw these people.”

Either she ignored my question or failed to hear it above the confused babel all around us. Either way I found myself trailing at her heels in my customary state of passive obedience.

“My goodness. Wid ye have a look at those beautiful dresses.”

She came to a halt and gasped at an elegant window display. My eyes were fixed on a dark, bronzed Goddess who slinked seductively towards me, her black, silky hair flowing in the breeze. She swayed her hips with expert rhythm and her long legs moved in slow, sensuous strides. She smiled warmly in my direction. A long, inviting smile which revealed brilliant, white teeth, contrasting sharply with her smooth, dark skin. My mouth began to water and I allowed a smile to form on my lips in response to her own obvious gesture of admiration. My smile disappeared and my heart sank as a smart, well groomed muscle man emerged from behind me. My Goddess threw her arms around him and they embraced at length before strolling off arm in arm to some secret harem.

“Sandy,” my fantasy was interrupted by Rita’s bidding.

“Yes dear.”

“Why don’t ye find yersel a quiet wee pub and I’ll meet ye later. Yer heart’s no in this.”

I could hardly believe my own ears.

“Besides, it’ll give ye a chance to buy me an anniversary present. Ye havnae forgot have ye?”

“Course no,” I lied. “Will ye be awright on yer ain then?”

I risked feigning concern at her well being above my own ecstasy.

“Don’t you concern yersel wi me. Just make sure yer back here by six o’clock on the dot.”

Four hours. I was to be set loose on my own for four long, wonderful hours. I watched her disappear into the crowds before I turned on my heels and skipped towards Soho. I was like a prisoner just released from a long stretch as I dodged in and out of the crawling traffic. I clasped my hands together and whooped with joy.

“Ok girls, here I come.”

A couple of nuns stood back and eyed me suspiciously. I raised my cap instinctively as I passed. I rushed beyond the street sign and strolled along a narrow, busy road. The wide, sprawling thoroughfare was replaced by tight, bustling alleyways. Lights flashed constantly and huge, dinner-jacketed doormen vied for custom with promises of ‘girls, girls and more girls’. Shop fronts advertised a vast array of books, videos and an assortment of peculiar utilities aimed at the modern man. Girls stood here and there in doorways and street corners. Each one watched me closely as I passed.

“Looking for me darling?”

I turned to face a young lady of oriental appearance. She smiled invitingly as I involuntarily examined her ample wares. She placed her hands on her hips and jutted her bosom in my direction. I felt a sudden dryness in my throat.

“Er...good afternoon miss,” I stammered foolishly and raised my cap as I backed away from her.

She laughed aloud as I turned and walked off with hurried steps. In my haste I allowed myself to be enticed into a brightly lit doorway. The doorman had no trouble guiding me into a long, narrow corridor. I glanced up at the notice in large red letters. Live peepshow. Oh well, I thought, it can’t possibly hurt. I walked into one of a row of empty booths, each about the size of a telephone box. In front of my eyes was a kind of letter box. Beside this was a coin slot above a drawing of three pound coins. I got the drift and eagerly pushed the coins into the slot. I listened as they dropped, the last one triggering off a series of mechanical reactions before the letter box slid open. I moved my head forward and peered into the darkness. There she was. A tall, well built lady cavorted before my very eyes. She seemed to be in the process of changing for dinner. I watched mesmerised as she danced and writhed unashamedly. All around her I could see other pairs of hungry, leering eyes watching her from the darkness. Bloody peeping Toms, I thought to myself. Suddenly the girl seemed to abandon her exotic dance as her eyes met mine. I felt my heart pound with excitement as she moved slowly towards me. My hands trembled as I moved my ears closer to the letter box, straining to hear what she wanted of me.

“Close the bleedin door you plonker.”

I turned round to see a group of men leering over my shoulder. They all stood with gaping eyes, their tongues licking their boots.

“Whit the...get the hell oot o it ya shower o perverts!”

I scrambled to close the door and had to use all my strength to shut out a couple of persistent gatecrashers. I turned round again just in time to see the slot close with a thud. I cursed out loud and decided against wasting any more of my hard earned cash.

I moved out into the busy street and made a beeline for the pub which stood prominently at the corner opposite.

“Geeza wee hauf wid ye Jimmy.”

“Do what mate?”

“Eh...sorry pal. Could I have a whisky please?”

I was beginning to lose track of myself in all this excitement.

“Make it a large one please mister.”

I looked round the smoke filled bar room. People stood around in little groups, chattering noisily. The Juke Box boomed out Rod Stewart’s Do Ya Think I’m Sexy. A couple of pretty girls sat at the other end of the bar, their eyes fixed on me. I sent a friendly smile in their direction. They both crumbled into fits of laughter and turned away from me.

“That’ll be five pound eighty please,” said the barman.

“How much?” my voice registered alarm.

“Five eighty.”

“You must be joking. I asked for a glass, not a bottle.”

“Five eighty it is my friend.”

He looked menacing as he moved his face towards me, baring his teeth as he spoke. I handed him six pounds.

“There ye go big yin. Keep the change.”

I tried to sound like some big shot. Somehow his glare contradicted my sense of charity.

A strong scent hit me very suddenly. I screwed up my nose and sniffed at my whisky. The dreadful pong caught the back of my throat and I gulped at my drink in an attempt to erase the powerful stench from my nostrils. It smelled of old socks. I turned round slowly and followed the trail. I jumped as my nose came into contact with the chest of a large framed female. She towered over me and I looked up into a strong, heavily made up face. Her false eyelashes flashed messages at me. Her hair was dyed blonde and her large, square shoulders heaved as she moved in on me, allowing her body to press against mine. I retreated until I was pushed against the bar and could retreat no more. She stopped inches away from me and the stinging aroma was almost unbearable.

“Hi. Me Helga. Me from Bavaria.”

She offered an outstretched hand of friendship.

“Hello. Me Sandy...er...I’m Sandy. I’m from Carfin.”

My hand ached as I accepted her greeting.

“You go with me. I give you plenty panky hanky, ya?”

I could not decide whether she was asking me or telling me.

“No thanks hen. No the day if it’s aw the same wi you.”

I made to turn towards the bar once more but she pushed herself more forcefully against me. There was no escape. She was all of six feet tall and with a build to match.

“You no like Helga? Me from Bavaria.”

“Naw...I mean aye. I like. Ye’re dead nice, honest tae God. y’are.”

I broke out in a cold sweat as the smell of old socks overpowered my senses.

“Ok you come with me ya? How much you pay?”

I let out a long gasp and nervously loosened my tie. I searched frantically for a way out.

“Five pounds,” I replied. I prayed she wouldn’t accept.

“Five pounds?” she cried. I felt all eyes on me as I tried desperately to conceal my embarrassment.

“Five pounds?” she repeated in an even higher voice. “Scheisse. You only get ugly pig for five pounds. Scheisse.”

She moved away and I sighed with relief as I watched her disappear into the crowd. I finished my whisky and ordered another. In my panic I had forgotten how extortionate the tipple was in this particular establishment. But I was so relieved to escape from the clutches of the crazy German that I did not care what it cost. I devoured the strong liquid with a new found relish and promptly ordered yet another. Several refills later I decided I’d had enough for now. I walked into the gents and made for the cold tap. I could still smell the old socks and I did not want Rita to start asking awkward questions. I washed my hands vigorously but the more I scrubbed them the stronger the pong. I began to panic as I imagined the horrible smell sticking to me for days on end.

“Me Helga. Me from Bavaria.”

I let out a guttural cry and leapt back against the wall as I caught sight of the large Bavarian girl. Some girl. There she was standing in front of the urinal, her skirt hitched up at the front, in the process of relieving herself, just like any ordinary bloke. I cursed aloud and raced for the exit as fast as I could. I heard it calling after me as I fled.

“Five pounds. Scheisse. Ugly pig for five pounds.”

I was in a state of apoplexy. I spent the next half hour taking in the sights and sounds of Soho as I gradually came back down to earth.

I watched the flashing lights grow in intensity against the darkening sky. Tough looking men drew crowds at street corners. I watched them trick several unsuspecting tourists into parting with ten pound notes at the turn of a card, and wondered at the apparent ease with which some people were prepared to throw away their cash. An obese gentleman of middle-eastern appearance performed a perilous fire-eating trick to the delight of an appreciative audience. A street peddler hawked items of cheap jewellery and perfume from a battered old suitcase while an accomplice kept a look out for the law.

The strong whisky had given me a taste for more and I moved off in search of another watering hole. My eyes fell upon a large neon sign surrounded by flashing red lights. Live Sex Show. I moved closer and examined the small print. £10 membership, Licensed Club, Topless Girls, Live Show.

I took a deep breath and entered the dimly lit interior. A large doorman, completely bald and with a massive frame, stood at the top of a flight of stairs. I found his presence somewhat menacing and turned to leave.

“Excuse me sir.”

He grabbed me by the arm. His grip left me in no doubt as to his dedication to the job. I had no choice but to turn to face him.

“Would you care to avail yourself of some of our wonderful hospitality?”

He stood aside and raised his free arm, inviting me to descend the stairway. I felt trapped.

“Are you a member sir?”

His voice was a lot friendlier than his manner and I began to feel a bit easier.

“Naw. I’m a visitor. Down for the weekend. Know whit I mean?”

I must confess my tone was somewhat apologetic.

“Then let me welcome you to my humble establishment. For five pounds you can become a member for life. When you see our beautiful girls you will not regret such a small investment.”

The bald eagle led me down the steps towards a darkened foyer. Almost immediately a buxom girl emerged from the gloom and led me through a swing door into a dark and sleazy bar.

“Welcome sir. Please take a seat.”

She invited me to install myself at one of the many free tables. The place was in semi-darkness and I had to strain my eyes as they became accustomed to the change of light. It was then that I noticed my hostess was completely topless. I nervously averted my gaze as I manoeuvred myself into a seat by the wall.

“Would you care for some company sir?”

She stood over me with hands on hips, her large breasts swaying seductively in front of my eyes.

“Naw thanks. I’m fine by masel if it’s awright wi you.”

What the hell am I doing here, I asked myself. She’s younger than my own daughter for heaven’s sake.

“That will be ten pounds please.”

Her voice assumed a more businesslike tone. I fumbled nervously in my pocket while she took out a notebook and pencil from the front of her apron and stood poised to take my order.

“Now what would you like to drink sir?”

I remembered the exorbitant price I had already been charged for a glass of whisky and decided to settle for something a bit less painful to the wallet.

“A lager please thanks hen.”

I watched her disappear into a darkened room and sat back in my seat. I looked round the cramped, stuffy room. An elderly gentlemen watched me intently from the far corner. He sat on a chair and crouched forward, his hands resting on a walking stick.

He wore a grey raincoat and sun glasses. I thought he looked like a character from a Le Carré novel. At another table a couple of topless girls were helping themselves to a Chinese Takeaway. I wondered what might happen if some of the hot meat were to spill onto their vital assets. A West Indian disc jockey sat in a cramped booth, drinking from a bottle and listening to records through a set of earphones, obviously intent on keeping the sounds to himself.
“Will there be anything else sir?”

The topless girl returned and placed a can of lager and an empty glass on the table in front of me.

“Don’t you have any draught lager?” I protested.

“I’m sorry. We only sell cans.”

She sounded unsympathetic and quite irritated at my obvious disappointment. I emptied the contents into my glass. I tasted the lager and was further annoyed to discover that the liquid was warm and tasteless. Never mind, I consoled myself, at least cans are a lot cheaper than draught. I took a large mouthful.

“That will be eight pounds sir.”

I spluttered uncontrollably and spat out a copious spray of lager all over the table.

“How much?” I cried out in disbelief.

“Eight pounds.”

She stood back to avoid being drenched.

“You’re jokin aren’t you.”

My heart raced and my stomach heaved violently as she repeated the words.

“I only asked for one lager. There must be some mistake lass.”

“There’s no mistake,” she assured me. “It’s eight pounds for one lager.”

I tried to laugh as I looked around me. The old man with the walking stick still stared at me. I managed to force a nervous giggle as I gathered my thoughts.

“Aye Ok, very good. Very droll. You really had me goin there for a minute. Now how much is it really?”

The girl sighed and shifted her weight onto one leg. She was obviously trying very hard to keep her cool.

“Look mister. I ain’t bloody joking. Either you cough up eight soddin quid or I call the manager.”

My heart thumped and my bottom lip trembled as I contemplated my predicament. I looked over her shoulder and caught sight of bald eagle as he loitered at the one and only exit.

“That’ll no be necessary hen.”

I reluctantly took out my wallet and handed over a ten pound note.

“Thank you,” she said. “I’ll bring your change.”

How could I have been so stupid? I cursed myself as I tasted the warm lager. Ugh! This has got to be the worst brew I’ve ever put to my lips, I told myself. I felt like picking myself up and storming out of the place. But I decided against that. I decided instead to face up to it and make the most of my eight quid. I wanted to show them that I would not be messed about easily. Besides, I was still owed two pounds change. Two fingers to you bald eagle.

A beautiful maiden with long golden hair emerged from the shadows and stood at the end of the bar. She wore a black leather mini skirt and red stiletto heels. On the top half she sported a heavy gold chain necklace and nothing else. Her breasts jutted invitingly as she glanced around the bar.

Her eyes rested on me. Like the smitten fool I am I raised my glass and smiled. She did not waste any time as she slithered towards me, swaying her hips in an exaggerated pose. She became more voluptuous the closer she got.

“Hi there. I’m Angie. What’s your name?” she pouted in a voice I had heard many times in Hollywood movies.

“I’m Sandy. Howzitgaun hen?”

“May I join you?”

“Be my guest.”

Well, after spending eight pounds on a warm can of monkey’s urine I thought, what the hell.

“Would you care for another drink?”

She snuggled close to me and I felt her hot breath on my face as she spoke. A cold shiver ran through my body and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as her naked breast touched my arm. Another drink? You better believe it baby.

“Aye Ok. I’ll have a wee whisky.”

I tried to sound calm and in control of myself. In a second the waitress appeared on the scene with notebook at the ready.

“A Scotch for my friend please Susie and I’ll have a Devil’s Desire.”

Devil’s Desire eh? This I must see.

“You’re Scotch aren’t you.”

Angie brushed my leg with her hand as she spoke. My brain registered approval as my head began to spin and I knew it had nothing to do with the quality of the lager.

“Aye, that’s correct. How did ye guess?”

“Your accent. We get a lot of Scotsmen in here you know. I just adore Scotsmen. They’re so manly and sexy and they know how to treat a woman.”

“You do surprise me.”

“Here we are then. Thanks Susie.”

Angie came to life as the waitress returned with the drinks.

“A whisky sir,” she said as she placed the glass in front of me. “And a Devil’s Desire for me. Thank you very much Sandy. You’re very kind.”

A black shadow ran across my eyes and my stomach turned upside down as the realisation hit me.

“What d’ye mean I’m very kind?” I looked at Susie and then Angie with dread in my eyes. “It is your shout hen isn’t it?”

“No way love. I only work here. I don’t buy the drinks.”

She picked up her glass and proceeded to drink through a straw. I panicked. Action had to be taken and fast. I grabbed the drink from her and pushed it back towards the waitress along with my whisky.

“I’m awful sorry. I didnae realise. You’ll have to take these back.”

“You what?” cried Angie.

“No way,” said Susie. “You should have said before I took your order. It’s too late now.”

“But it wasnae my order. It was hers.”

My voice trembled as I pointed an accusing finger at my companion.

“Look, I’ve just about had enough of you,” cried Susie, raising her voice in exasperation. “I suggest you settle your bill and we’ll call it a day.”

My whole life flashed before me. I felt as if I was floating on air as my head spun and my heart pounded. I wanted to reach inside my head and tear out the nightmare which tormented me to the point of despair.

“How much?”

I lowered my head and closed my eyes as I prepared myself for the verdict.

“One hundred and two pounds exactly.”

My mouth hung open and my lips moved but no sound came. I felt a warm wetness between my legs as I stared at the bill in front of me. I could not see anything. My body refused to function. I was paralysed with a mixture of fear and incredulity. I must be dreaming, I told myself. One hundred and two pounds for a drop of whisky? No, it can’t be real. Cold sweat covered my hands and face. I felt sick. I wanted to run to the toilet.

“Are you all right Sandy?” said Angie.

I tried to respond but all I could do was utter indecipherable grunts, my eyes transfixed on the piece of paper detailing my account.

“I’m getting out of here,” said Angie. “He’s a real weirdo.”
She picked up her drink and moved off to join the two girls with the Chinese meal.

“Is everything Ok?”

It was bald eagle’s turn to witness the pathetic spectacle.

“One hundred and two pounds,” I managed to squeeze the words from my lips.

“That’s correct,” said Susie. “Look, here is a price list.”

She walked to the bar and picked up a sheet of paper and placed it in front of me.

I read the words on the neatly typed document.

1/2 Pint Beer £4.00

Pint Beer £8.00
Coke, Lemonade, Orange £3.50
Glass German Wine £9.50

Bottle £35.65
Whisky, Gin, Rum £7.35
Devil’s Desire £33.00

Then I ran through the small print at the foot of the page.

25% Service + Vat added to all bills
All totals rounded up to nearest pound.

Then there was some more small print.

Hostess Company Fee £30.00
All drinks bought for the hostess must include a hostess fee.
Seated conversation with the hostess is an acceptance to pay the full fee.

Then to rub salt into the wounds, the daddy of all small prints.

All drinks de-alcoholised.

I started to laugh. At first it was short, controlled giggles. then it developed into hysterical, fitful outbursts. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I took out my wallet and counted one hundred pounds in ten pound notes.

“Here, take it.”

I placed the bundle of notes on the table.

“You owe me two quid fae ma last drink. Take it. Ye deserve it. Ah cannae argue.”

I finished my drink and made my way towards the exit.

“Good day to youse all. It’s been smashin. We must dae it again wan day.”

I was now in raptures. Bald eagle helped me up the steps to the darkened street. I walked back towards Oxford Street. Passers by stared at me as I continued to laugh hysterically.

Rita was waiting for me and the sight of her standing there with bulging shopping bags brought me quickly back down to earth.

“Well, did ye have a nice time then?” she handed me her bags as she spoke.

“Marvellous,” I replied. “See these Londoners. They’re some crowd ah’ll tell ye.”

She grabbed me by the arm and led me back in the direction from which I’d come.

“Where are we goin now?” I cried.

“Don’t you know what that place is ower there? It’s Soho. We cannae very well leave London withoot taken a walk roon Soho now could we?”

“Is that right.? Well fancy that.”

As we entered the narrow streets I shuddered at the memory of my recent nightmare.

“My God wid ye look at them,” she said, pointing at a group of women standing just ahead of us. “How can they live wi themselves?”

As we approached the small gathering I wanted to die as I recognised the smell of old socks. I tried to avoid her eyes but it was too late. She broke off from her friends and spoke in a husky voice.

“Me Helga. Me from Bavaria. You come with me?”

Rita tugged at my arm and stepped up her pace.

“Ignore her,” she commanded. “She’s no even worth a second glance.”

“Scheisse. I told you,” her voice boomed out after me. “I told you you only get ugly pig for five pounds.”